I Am Scared

I Am Scared

I Am Scared

I Am Scared: I woke up with an emptiness that comes from within, my heart seemed to have melted away like wax. I felt like a shadow of myself, I could hear my phone ringing but the sound seemed like a sound from a distant town, I moved my hand to pick up the phone and it was an ultra-slow movement. My world seemed to have crumpled in a few days.

My mom was calling me, I already knew she wants to tell me more bad news, I guess the bank has come to collect the loan and they were being pushed out of the house. My father had died in the hospital a few days back after he suffered a double stroke. I ended the call and looked at my Whatsapp; my girlfriend had blocked me. She said I needed time to sort my life out. I now had no one around me at my darkest hour. I had only one thought – “I WANT TO DIE!”

So lazily I stood up from my bed, took my bath and dressed up neatly. I combed my hair and put some perfume on. Then I rolled up the rope I used to hang my clothes, I put it in a black nylon and set off on my final journey.

I came out of my room and walked out of the lodge which had been my abode in school for the past 2 years, the gateman greeted me as I passed, I muttered a greeting to him under my breath as all my thoughts were on leaving this wicked place called planet Earth. I walked to a deserted place then I branched off into the bush, I walked like a man trying to escape from enemies, the whip seemed to be on my back to move faster.

At last, I reached a point that seemed to be the deepest part of the forest, I needed privacy to leave this Earth. I climbed the biggest tree around and tied the rope to a strong branch as I had learnt in boys scout training. I smiled as the memories of those days flashed through my mind and then,

“so this is how the last thoughts were before you leave this earth” or so I thought.

With my Airmax on my feet and my denim blue jeans hugging my legs, I jumped off the tree without warning, without looking down.

For the first time in my 24 years of existence, reality had never been so real to me, I caught a glimpse of the grim reaper as he watched me from a part of the forest, the rope gripped against my neck and tried to strangle the life out of me, I used my hands to hold it and give myself a chance to breath, breathing was difficult, my eyes wanted to pop out of their sockets. My neck seemed like it would jump off my shoulders any minute. I struggled on…

I tried to call for help but air could not pass through my throat, even swallowing my spit was the hardest thing ever. The grim reaper seemed to smile to me from his faceless figure which was shrouded by his black gown and his skeletal fingers that held the harvesting tool.

I tried to swing so I could grab a branch to balance myself but it seemed that the harder I tried to be safe, the fastest life drained out of me. I settled down to my faith, tears rolling down my cheeks, I had already wet my jeans with hot urine. I could feel the life drain out of me slowly like a fake battery in a phone running down. With each passing second everywhere seemed to be darker – I’m scared – I didn’t want to go with the darkness, I called out to my mother from my heart. I am scared, I remember seeing movies where they ask a victim of a fatal accident to stay with the light, I tried my best to stay with the light, I didn’t want to go into the darkness that was slowly creeping up my body.

I Am Scared!!!

Life was leaving my body and I could not do anything about it.

I am scared – My throat seemed to get tighter by the minute, I thought about my Mom and my siblings
while the darkness called to me, my lower body no longer felt like a part of me, tears rolled down my eyes. I could feel my face get whiter.

I am scared – I didn’t want to leave. I was leaving the party so soon.

I am scared – I don’t want to die; I gave up too early. Don’t give up too easy.

Suicide is not the answer. Give yourself a second chance.

Written by Francis Stainz



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