“You are such a mean person, and you can say what you want or think what you want but you are really mean. Funny how I don’t hate you still, I could never if I tried. Why? Why did God ever bring you to me? You should have just stayed where you were, but you knew, you saw me at my lowest, and trust me you don’t get to decide for me whether or not I was bonded to you because of trauma no! I loved you!, I loved you before I met you, and yes I understood everything went really fast and it was overwhelming and dramatic but I knew what I wanted, and I went for it!!! That’s not something that I’d do, ever! But what did you do?
You sucked in your energy, you took back all that affection that I thought you had for me, I thought I had some importance in your life, but no! You treated me like I was someone else. You choose someone else, someone else who had always been there, that you didn’t even have to hide, but you did.
Different places I’ve stepped foot into give me déjà vu, why? It’s because they remind me of you. Was at my mum’s today, and I stood on the same spot where we talked dirty till my phone went off to place a call. I looked at the door of the kitchen and remembered the time you called me because you hadn’t seen me online throughout the day (smiles). I hate you. I don’t, but maybe if I say it well enough I’d mean it. I hate you, I hate you, and I hate you!!! Go away!!! No don’t go, please! I love you, I don’t think I can ever not love you laughs. I love you so much.
As much as it hurts badly, I want you to be happy I can’t emphasize on that enough! Geez… I told you we were friends before anything and friends should come through for each other. But go fuck yourself. OK don’t, I’m sorry. But seriously, I noticed something recently and maybe I’m thinking about it too much, but did you freaking block me?!!! You are mad. I just said I should tell you but it’s whatever, everyone and their idea of boundaries. But still fuck you for that. It’s the way you keep me by your side and yet manage to cut me off that baffles me, I feel like some sort of disease. I thought ladies were the ones with the mood swings but look at you champ. Whatever! Just get outta my face.”
This was the conversation I had played over and over and over in my head, but now I don’t think I could ever talk about it. I’ve typed it out countless times and yet… I guess we’ll just have to learn to move on from this. You’re happy I should be too, and I am, but I’m not. It was not so Christmas without you. So go fuck yourself! OK don’t… I’m sorry.