Freshly Single Memoirs Episode 5

Freshly Single Memoirs Episode 5

“What are you wearing?”

His voice was hoarse tonight, like he was intentionally making it sound deeper.

“What?”

I was puzzled. Did I hear right?

“I’m assuming you’re putting on something sexy… Maybe a red lace…” he carried on as I looked at my phone with growing disbelief.

Was this happening for real? I cut him short, calling him back to Earth.

“Hello, do you know who you’re talking to?”

“Pinklady, try to act romantic for once. Can’t you just play along. At least, pretend that…”

“Pretend that what? That we’re flirting? Or that I’m putting on a red lace? Guy, if you don’t have anything else to say, say goodnight”.

“You don’t have to be so harsh towards me everytime. I don’t know if you’re in a terrible mood. What did I do?”

He had this way of trying to exert pity from me and somehow, it made me dislike the whole act.

“I’m not being harsh to you Nnamdi. I’m setting boundaries and if you’ve known me for years but still can’t say what pisses me off, then we shouldn’t even be having this conversation”.

“I didn’t do anything. Besides, it’s not as if you’re wearing a red lace or are you?”

I shook my head in disappointment and ended the call. I would teach this one. Ah, I would teach him how to respect me.

My phone buzzed a while later, after six unanswered calls from him. (Yes. I watched the phone ring. So what? He would learn, like the others before him). It was a text asking me to come online. I smirked and scrolled down to my WhatsApp. His name popped up first. I was greeted by an array of messages- Apologies and the likes. He said he just got carried away.
No wahala. Apology accepted. He called again.

We spoke about his new business, his non-existent social life, his cantankerous neighbor… and suddenly, out of the blues, he popped in the “Can I ask you a personal question?” card. I declined immediately. I knew what he could possibly ask and I wasn’t ready for nonsense.

“But we’ve been talking about me all these while. It’s only fair that…”

“Fine” I cut him short.

There was a pause on his end. I wanted to ask if he was still there but his voice came through, calm and low, with a tinge of sneakiness which I recognized immediately.

“When was the last time you had sex?”

Good Lord. I knew it. I saw this coming.

“Really? That’s what you want to ask me?”

“I’m just curious. I know you’re single, so it’s been a while right?”

He was edging me and I didn’t find it funny.

“You shouldn’t be asking me this. It’s none of your business. I don’t understand why you keep bringing up sexual questions and issues even after I’ve made it clear that…”

“It’s a harmless question. Calm down!” He interrupted.

“Don’t ever raise your voice at me. Don’t try it. I’m not someone you can sexualize. Is this funny to you? You can’t keep asking me these things. What’s your problem?”

He scoffed.

“My problem? You’re the one who needs help. I see it clearly now. You act all tough and confident but it’s just a front. I see right through you. Can’t fool me. You know what you are? You’re a prude. Yes, you’re a cold hearted, arrogant and heartbroken prude!. That’s why you’ll die single.”

I listened. I waited. I listened some more.

“Are you done?”

I asked him after a suspicious pause.

“Screw you” was all he said.

“Glad to hear that. Lose my number”

I ended the call.

Block Number – Done – Exit

2:01am

Phone beep.
Message from an unknown number

“I’m sorry. You know I didn’t mean the things I said. Please unblock me.”

“Stay blocked my dear. I like you right where you are”.

Message sent. Delivered. Block Number.

Written by Pinklady Ohakah